can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
