why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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