I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
