I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
