nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
