thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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