If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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