I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
