could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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