I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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