I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
