I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Naked Twister starts at high noon
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
