You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
