dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
