He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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