god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize