your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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