I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My hand turned me down
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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