just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
