there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
