doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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