I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
