dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
