Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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