I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
