A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
