Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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