i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm like, not good at living.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
