If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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