Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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