Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
