walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
