you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
