I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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