Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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