i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize