Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
