The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize