I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
