I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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