My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
