Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
