can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
