Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
