When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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