I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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