Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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