im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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