Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I touched a dick in church today
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
