she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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