I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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