it hurts more in the daytime
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
