I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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