This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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