someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize