i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
