She said her name was "party"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
