i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
