i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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