Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
