trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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