after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
