508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
