Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
