i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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